Flowing with my UN-alienated daughter and 2 of my 4 grandkids…?!

Sometimes you just have to let things flow. Or get the hell out of the way of the Tsunami. After a mini emotional Tsunami in the Spring and with no apparent storm on the horizon, in a clear place and from high ground, I swear I see into eternity.

This summer began on Memorial Day in a surge of peacefulness and clarity and probably a bunch of my dumbfounding luck. My daughter brought 2 of my grand babies to see me, us, my life and family. As I often dream and as I know, it was so natural, so right, so void of the trappings of judgement or the noticing thereof. Like when something is just too good to stop and point out, for fear of jinxing it or popping it like a balloon. It feels natural like breathing, or even gasping for air. The heart(h) room I finally turned into my dream kitchen is pulsing like a heartbeat and full of living specks of the continuation of us all. My baby came home. My first daughter, my first true love, bearing her maternal gifts and with a whopping dose of hope for the future.

From left, Russell, my 15 year old, Shea my 13 year old, me and Juniper on my lap, with Magnolia on the right. In the Hearth Room turned into the kitchen I dreamed it should be, a kitchen full of family.
She came, my daughter Devan, she swung, she stared up at the trees with a profound look of contentment as I looked on in utter awe.

The sweetness of it all! Could, would the bitter taste of the past be laid to rest? My husband of 20 years talks nervously on, my teenagers’ eyes wide and questioning. Mama cry no more…?, Shea thinks. For the mostly hidden sadness is no longer feeling like a secret threat to her stable loving home. Russell stares proudly on, ready for anything but relieved to feel the authenticity and normality of it all. “It” affected us all differently and living without your half siblings almost all of your childhood seems alien. The old suitcase in the basement full of beautiful remnants of my brief time as teenage mother of Devan and her brother Cody seems no longer a deep, beckoning well of grief.

I feel hopeful and flowing and strong, praying to be blessed with more time and just plain sick of my sensitive, PTSD, prone to triggers old self. There is no deeper sadness than losing a child, yet eternity is looking like the most beautiful sunset after the most heart wrenching storm. And so I flow, so I go…

Speaking to Cetaceans

In the early 90s I was obsessed with the Cetaceans. I had an ongoing dialog with Rick O’Barry (well, truthfully, I sent him a letter or two and he sent me a postcard). His book “Behind the Dolphin Smile” beyond piqued my interest. He is Flipper’s trainer turned activist and dolphin/whale hero at large. I was so passionate about the whales that I read further-John C Lilly wrote about communicating with them. The way I explain it is that the part of our brain that makes us distinctly ‘human’ is the same size, if not larger in dolphins. Emotions, emotional and physical bonds, etc. Lilly was a fascinating neuroscientist and experimental genius, etc… who logically thought that if whales are indeed like us, why not find a way to communicate with them?

Seriously, what would they tell us? They had the foresight to return to the sea, yes? Does their perpetual smile mystify you too? Do tell!!!

And yes, this is Bono the other night, blowing water out of his blow hole. 😉

Dream

Peace with old friends…

Strangers making trouble…

The ball game is letting out and

Something is falling from the sky making people act strange, trancelike…

Where are you, are you ok?

He and I have been in love for a very long time…

There you are, are you breathing?

The whales are right there, I must get changed and jump in…

 

PS-This is my first copper plate etching, done when finishing up my undergrad at North Central College. The skincare I highly rec-

kissmeinthegarden.com

A Death in the Family and Mr. Bee

OK, so yes, we had a death in the family. Well, so to speak… Let me explain. Mr. Bee has been with us a year plus or minus. He is a carpenter bee and boroughs under the wooden steps on our patio. At first, I was freaked out by these massive creatures buzzing about, sometimes purposely running into our heads. Then I Googled them. Turns out they are harmless- ‘cept the female can sting if extremely provoked. Well, now this I get. These are my “people/insects.”

First of all, I have made peace with the fact that the generations have felt safe in my softwood stairs. My cats love chasing them around. This year there were at least 2. I know this sounds crazy but they literally fly up to my kitchen sink window and hover, much the drones that haunt me while watching the moon and trying to sleep over the ocean at our ocean place.

Our first summery day happened yesterday. 85 and sunny. Yet, the pollen is fallin’ like rain. So, before our family day by the pool today I cleaned out the skimmers. There was this enormous insect in there. I was totally freaked. No hair on the body at all, but long legs. Gross. I tried to analyze the oversized body, but my mortician skills are weak at best. Then it dawned on me. MR BEE! No, it couldn’t be. I know their lifespan is limited, but he had a happy home, I was hoping for some longevity. Strangest connection, the one I have with nature. Seriously, I go to my friend’s house to walk together and as I wait in her driveway- low and behold, two massive carpenter bees come by to hover right next to me. Looking at me. Hanging in the air like drones. Now, again, I know this sounds CRAY CRAY. But people, I recently read a boredom article about a chick who befriended at bee with a broken wing. The bee took to her, would climb on her, recognized her.

Listen, just pay attention to nature-and no, I am not on acid. 😉

Share with me a story about your experiences with nature like this!

MIRACLES,

THE WAY OF RACHEL

Biblical Rachel: She is the patron saint of mothers who have lost a child.

Now, I am far from a saint. But, motherhood has been a driving theme my entire life. My name means “Lamb” as in sacrificial lamb. As a child I felt like I needed protect my family at all costs. The cost of which you can’t even imagine. But that is a closed vault, past trauma long let go of, no place for in this happy life.

It was as if I was born a mother. It was the nickname my family gave me as a toddler. I took care of everyone. I cooked for the entire clan, all 8 plus of us through grade school. I cared for my half brothers when they were born and I was in grade school. My room was between my half brothers Eben and baby Elijah and my mother’s. So when Elijah cried in the wee hours, I consoled him, changed his diaper, bounced him, laid him back down. At the lake in the summer I always had a baby on my hip. When Eben cried and cried with his ear infections I rocked him until my mother and stepfather came home. No cell phones, no way to contact them, 3 miles out on a dirt road in the middle of New England’s God’s Country.  Our cat even had babies in my bed! This is one of the highest compliments, in my opinion.

Before you continue, it helps to read my prior post~ Continue reading Biblical Rachel: She is the patron saint of mothers who have lost a child.

Sweet Anecdotal Story About The Fed Ex Man…and Happy Earth Day!

Yesterday we had a true SPRING like day! For me, that means I can get out my beloved power washer and wash away the dead debris from the long winter. Pure joy.

I was walking around the front yard collecting sticks when The Fed Ex man zoomed down the hill into our cul de sac. I feel it is important to connect with these people, the ones who deliver our Amazon packages. My protective, realistic husband says not to, to always keep the door between you. I take this advice about 50 percent of the time. Shower them with kindness…somehow I think that if they like me maybe they won’t hurt me. 😉 Also, in our somewhat disconnected society of instant gratification they are perhaps our last true connection to the outside world…

So, I exude my positive light in the direction of The Fed Ex Man as he delivers a package to our neighbors. On cue, feeling my sunshine, he meanders over, hand out for the shake.

“Hi! How are you today?” He says.

“No complaints! Finally some nice weather!” I say exuberantly.

With a goofy smile he says, “My name is Kevin, and I am your Fed Ex Man! I am sorry, but I just have to do this.” And with that he makes a beeline towards the lonely old tire swing under the Grand Old Oak in our front yard. Fed Ex Man, now Kevin, lays himself down on it and twirls around, staring up at the sky.

“Ahhhhhhhh. You just don’t see these any more. Reminds me of a float trip I took last year. Every time I come here it calls out my name. Thank you so much!”

Just loving this pure sweet moment, I say, “You know, I asked my 12 year old daughter just the other day if we should take it down. She said, NEVER!— Kevin any time you want to take a swing, be our guest. And thanks for the deliveries!”

Happy Earth Day and remember to stop and smell the roses!

People, COMMENT, please, don’t make me beg! 😉